Lockdown memories – from the dark comes light

That lockdown caused me pain,
I thought there was nothing to gain,
but I was wrong.
It opened me up,
forced me to deal with my struggles,
and it allowed me to sing my song.

You see I was a social butterfly,
I cannot lie,
being around people
made me feel connected,
and when that was taken away from me,
I felt rejected.

Lindy Hop Dancing was my joy, and boy,
did I miss it when it wasn’t there.
I was allowed to feel the freedom,
to connect, to release my stresses,
and dance like I didn’t care.

I felt alone in my home,
just me and those four walls.
Day in and day out,
not wanting to answer calls.
Struggling to see the light,
knowing I had to fight,
to remain calm, to think straight,
from morning until night.

I had distractions though,
a job, and work to do,
but colleagues drained my energy
and I didn’t know who to turn to.

Of course I wanted to run away,
to face my fears another day,
but the longer the lockdown,
the more I knew,
that if I left it much more
I wouldn’t pull through.

But where to start I didn’t know,
somehow I found a counsellor
and the green light said go.
We talked about my losses,
my mum, my partner, my dog,
in everything we discussed
it started to lift the fog.

I learnt that I was brave,
to talk about these things,
and yes of course it was painful,
the tears were what it brings.
Lots of questions asked
and many unknowns remained but,
throughout our conversations
I knew that I had gained.

I felt a lightness re-appear,
just talking out loud had made it clear,
out in the open, out of my head,
I felt like I could navigate
the road that lay ahead.

I took myself to nature,
one of the few privileges we had,
to find some space to get some air,
it didn’t seem so bad.

I started seeing family,
and I remember that first day,
that my niece ran up and hugged me,
I could have stayed like that all day.
It was just a simple hug,
but I had missed it so so much,
I have never to this day forgotten
the power of human touch.

With this lightness came a vision,
to get myself back on track.
I couldn’t stay low forever,
my mum wouldn’t have wanted that.
So she became my inspiration,
my guiding angel up above,
I couldn’t let her down,
she had shown me so much love.

I found a course, Create Your Destiny,
it sounded rather cheesy but,
I got a free place and set to work,
I knew it wouldn’t be easy.
They asked, what are your values,
what are your beliefs?
Well how do I know, this was all new to me.

It slowly uncovered some interesting reveals,
beliefs that weren’t mine,
they were my parents ideals.
And with this new awakening,
totally ground breaking,
I could rewrite the book, and start to look,
at a new life that I was creating.

It opened a door,
to a new life forever more,
that was totally in reach,
filled with my speech
of what I wanted to live my life for.

And from there I’m on the starting block,
my feet firmly in place.
I’m ready to turn a page,
I’m ready to win the race.

I sought more help, I changed my ways,
I was always looking ahead to the better days.
I quit my job and I learned to teach,
exercise and movement to music,
because that is totally me.

Dance has been my passion,
but somehow it had to hide,
to follow the academic path,
rather than what my heart desired.

But these are my new chapters,
my life is but my own,
and I will never let that stop me,
these last 2 years I’ve grown.

I feel like I am a flower,
that is coming into bloom,
from a tree with lots of branches,
and for me there’s so much room,
to express myself, to be myself,
to live authentically from within,
to make mistakes,
to step forward and back,
without worry or fear, it isn’t a sin.

That lockdown caused me pain,
I thought there was nothing to gain,
but I was wrong because every day,
these days I am singing my own song.